Funny Sayings with a Twist

Church member Glenn Woertz sent me these funny sayings in an email. They're pretty funny!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' -Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy Carter


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' -Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield


Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-W. C. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. -Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist's diet: “If it tastes good spit it out.”